The Event Horizon

I just realized I have no KHR icons-- I must fix this at once! Though, I guess that really has very little to do with why I'm here, at 10pm, and starting something that will take me hours to write (because I take too many breaks and get distracted easily). I've been working on a KHR fic that is eating at my brain, but not really allowing me to move forward with it planning wise. And, while I like to have fics fully plotted out before I start them, I thought writing down the first chapter will help me to get a better grasp on the ideas swimming in my head.

I'm posting it in my journal, but I don't really want anyone to read it-- at least not yet. It's probably going to be sloppily written because I'm doing this in one go *sighs*. I guess this first chapter is rated R? NSFW? Nothing happens, but reading it at work would be a bad idea.


( Crap Under Here.... )

As a kid, I used to think that someday I would get married. The typical drivel that we are all tricked into believing at some point in our lives-- that someday we'll meet the one and we'll just know. The painful story of love, happiness, and children. A house with a yard, a picket fence, and 2.5 children. I can remember feeling so ready to be loved.... That was before I realized I was different.

Before you start to think otherwise, this is not my coming out story; I have always been a believer that all love is equal. I just came to realize that people scare me shitless. Well... no, I've always realized that I'm afraid of people, I just thought the one would come along and fix everything. The one who make everything less terrifying, and who take away all my pains. Even though I always thought I had my eyes wide open, I realized that some part of my heart has been waiting for this moment that was promised to me. The magical thing that was having an other.

It makes me feel disgusted with myself. How could I have left myself so wide open? I always thought I was so aware of man's cruelty and downfalls, that I could see so clearly that which we try to forget. It took this realization of how stupid I was to face the fact that I'm still such a fucking child. I'm so afraid of being alone.

How could I have ever thought that I could be in a relationship? I can barely handle friendly touches. My friends, who worked so hard to make me comfortable, make me feel sick some times (not by any fault of their own). They get me to let my guard down, to relax and laugh, and I will suddenly realize our knees are touching and all I want to do is put as much space between us as possible and to claw the skin off my knee. No one deserves to have to put up with me.

I wish I could just let go of the idea of falling in love, because it just makes me feel so alone. There's just no way I could ever let anyone that close. Come on, the mere idea of someone touching me sexualy just makes me want to curl up and die. I'm going to die alone and virgin.... I guess it's not all bad news.

If virgin sacrifices come back in style, I guess I'll be pretty useful, ne?

Damn, that's enough self-pity for one night.